I am Spudgun..Hear me buzz

Emotional cleansing.

Finally 2008 is over with! Not that I’m wishing my life away or anything, just it wasnt the best of years for me personally and I’ll be glad to start afresh. I looked over last years posts and realised how  they reflect only a proportion of myself, mostly the sad and lonely me who is searching for some kind of fulfilment. I decided now the stories have been told, there is no need for them anymore, so i just left up the important posts.

My new years resolutions are to 1) appreciate people more, 2) get a better job, 3) give up smoking and 4) stay positive

Im not doing very well with 2 and 3 but 4 is going well, and I’d like to thank everyone who has been reading my blog for taking an interest in me. In fact I’d like to thank all my friends for helping me stay sane over the past year. I’ve really needed you, and I’m sure I havent told you enough how important you ALL are. Hopefully I wont need as much support in the future.

So onto new things, leaving behind the conflicts and emotional turmoil of the past and moving on. I hope at least a few of you will continue with me I’m looking for work. Sometimes its half hearted but it is generally more concerted. I used to believe that life was too precious to waste supporting things you dont believe in. Working in retail has confirmed this with knobs and bells on. It is a true indication of how far off my path I’ve strayed, and is one of the reasons for my negative approach to myself over the past past few years. I have no respect for what i do with my time, and that is intrinsically linked to my self esteem.

Having no respect for yourself means you have to be extremely careful who you care about, because it is too easy to let other people walk all over you when you are vulnerable. You do learn to see who is willing to take advantage though In some ways that brings me full circle back to the stories of Syms. A person in my life who took full advantage of my innocence and I have struggled for years to reconcile my love for him, with my dislike of the person I was when I knew him. At another time I probably would have seen right through him. Lesson learnt. The reason I told you about it is probably to illustrate that it wasnt the first time I have sunk to a point where I feel dont matter and so it doesnt matter how people treat me. Last year saw me go through pretty much the same feelings if not the same circumstance and it has been my family and friends who have tried their hardest to convince me that I am worth just a little bit more than that. For that I am eternally grateful. Thank you

In 1995 my Nana died, (obviously that isn’t the smily bit) and left me a little money (nor’s that bit). Five hundred pounds. I wanted to spend it on something I would always have, to remind myself of her. After much thought, I chose to go on a working holiday to northern Italy to help conservation efforts on a recently reinstated river delta. I figured I would always have my memories (which is rather darkly ironic considering my Nan had had alzheimers for the latter part off her life - a revelation that came to me much later) and it would also help further my degree studies.

So, anyway. Italy It was wonderful! I travelled by coach to Milan and changed for a coach to Venice. Somewhere along the way I lost my return coach ticket.. but thats by the by. Spent a few days in Venice, visiting the glass blowing factories and lace making islands, then headed off to spend two weeks cutting down reeds so visitors to a wetland centre could see the birds and the birds has something to nest on. All good. Although I would advise caution when using a scythe, as I managed to embed the tip in my lower calf… I was a lot more careful after that

Being a wetland, the place was alive with wildlife. The walk to the reed beds traversed a large muddy field where the most hazardous task was to not step on the multitude of frogs that jumped out the way, They formed a living pathway as we trouped across the mud. It was an amazing sight and I wish I taken a photo of it! I didn’t know there could BE that many frogs.

Also working on the wetlands were a group of bird ringers. They worked in the early hours of the morning and caught the birds in whisper nets. Measuring their.. um.. vital statistics, putting a ring on their legs and releasing them. It was fascinating stuff and I started going every morning at 5 or 6am to help them. My reward for these early mornings was the most foul cold espresso coffee you have ever tasted and the chance to hold birds in my hands. I discovered that you can lay a bird on its back and it wont move, which i hadn’t been aware of before - useful knowledge if your a bird ringer - and learnt how to handle them, spread their wings etc.

Now you maybe thinking, birds? whats so great about birds? And I get that. As species to study go, they are interesting, but I am no birdwatcher. Most of the birds were small brown things and while enjoyable to learn about, didnt really stir me. That was until the kingfisher. They let me to handle it! I was totally blown away. The colours are (oh any superlative would seem trite, so I’ll just say) so iridescent. Perfect. Amazing. Awesome. (See? Still couldn’t stop myself!) Possibly one of the best moments of my life and this time caught on film

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2007/oct/08/health.lifeandhealth

and so very very wrong